Dear Ask A Sagacious Downer,
There is a serious crime problem going on around my neighbourhood. A CHESS THIEF’S BEEN GOING ON A RUNNING SPREE STEALING MY ROOKS!!!
I’m sure you know chess is a mind sport that brings immense benefits to both body and mind (and bores the life out of unlucky spectators stuck in their seats). The fact that chess sets are nowadays affordable for most of society (and most of society don’t need to watch people play chess anyway) makes it weird that people would want to take so much trouble to steal them (like they’re million-dollar diamonds or something).
How can we prevent this?
Regards,
Chess Lover
Dear Chess Lover,
I fully understand and sympathize your position. You truly love chess and need to protect its pieces. I had this same passion with replying to stupid fools with wisdom coupled with pessimism, sarcasm and negativity. Naturally, when I became famous, many imposters wanted to jump on the bandwagon. But I saved my job by what ingenious plan? Making my job less glamorous, the worst job ON THE ENTIRE PLANET! And here’s how you can save your knights, too:
1. Don’t make it sound high-class.
Call off the grand championship at the White House. Make it a game for the beggars and homeless people on the streets. I moved all my columns to neighborhood newsletters. You know, the unofficial ones printed on recycled toilet paper and paying you lunch coupons in exchange for a year’s work.
2. Don’t even let yourself get paid
I went fifteen months without real money for this cause. (The only form of ‘payment’ I allowed was lunch coupons, game tokens and trading cards. Unglamorous, isn’t it?)
3. Why are you even playing chess at all?
Shouldn’t you be working on your algebra?
Regards,
A Sagacious Downer
Writing Gazette 
Reblogged this on Anything under the sun.
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