I just found money in the rubbish bin…

Dear Ask A Sagacious Downer,

The weirdest thing happened to me the other day, when I was clearing out the trash. You may be thinking, ‘Here goes another of those dummies who claim something extraordinary, whimsical and simply unbelievable happened to them when I’ve dealt with it many times before’, but wait until you hear what happened to me: I FOUND MONEY IN MY TRASH BIN!

It’s nothing much, really, just some $5 notes, but how on earth did they even get in my rubbish bin? Is this some secret angel’s gift? Or is this some stupid April Fool’s Day prank? Please help, dear sage!

Regards you delightful downer,

Poor Poor Joe

Dear Joe,

You are a stupid person on many counts. First, don’t dazzle me with your fantastic wordplay to get you on the top of my list, which is why I had to put this on top priority just to warn future writers on what NOT to do.

Are you so blind and ignorant that you do not know an-eighth of all my refuse bin complaints deal with strange money? Nothing ‘whimsical’, just some monkey dropping random fakes into your trash while taking out the rotten bananas inside.

And you call $5 weird???? $100 is nothing. I would only call 1 million dollars strange enough to be put here.

And update your calendar. It’s July, for heaven’s sake.

You will need someone else to solve your common-sense problems. It’s not worth my time.

Go away now,

Sagacious Downer

Ask a Sagacious Downer is a column of fake and comedic letters on weird stuff, and comments on it by a negative wise person. Maybe you can even submit your own suggestions, by commenting below.

Communication

“Ewie ow forrrtin.”

“The what???????????? As in queuing how Martin?”

“Neo neo! Cany seem ai’m holdisg e gum til our ead!”

“I’m not called Neo or Leo or whatever ‘eo! I’m called Josh! And I really can’t understand you!”

” ‘Em stilling uor monee!”

“My name isn’t Em!”

“Ohmigosh, thees ig tering. Fine. I go back nap-nap.”

“I still don’t get it. Wait, were you saying you were putting a gun to my head?”

Sometimes you’ve just got to persist.

 

Terrible food

There was no other way to eat it. I had to cut it into molecular pieces. Would I even be able to see the molecular pieces? I thought as I took my fork and knife. Is there any better way? I poked at the food, looking at it hesitantly. No, so eat it, idiot. Knowing there was no other option, I stuck my fork into the disgusting pulp disguised as food and cut it into minuscule pieces, dot after dot. It was revolting, looking at the rotten juice flowing out, making me lose my appetite for many days. I wished I didn’t need to eat it, but the fierce dragon queen breathing fire into my face forced me to perform my unenviable task. Taking a deep breath, I ate the nauseous-green object. I made a terrible face. The dragon breathed harder. Sighing, I continued the dreadful deed. Finally, I finished the food. The dragon went away, satisfied.

I had finished my spinach.

Evil Smiling

Filla was lying on her bed, sleepy after the sleepless night before. 7.27, 7.28,7.29…7.30! She stretched out an arm, ready to intercept the alarm clock. Silence. Why wasn’t it ringing? She sat up and glanced at it. Nothing. No ringing, no shaking, just discomforting silence. What’s wrong? She took it and shook it. Hard. She could only hear the jingle of the mechanical parts inside. The alarm clock gave her a sickening smile, it’s two hands forming a sinister mouth.

Hmmm…Knowing she didn’t need it anyway, she got out of bed and got dressed. Neat and tidy, she walked downstairs and nonchalantly grabbed a bun on the table. She opened the door. Cold air blasted towards her. What a misty day, she thought. Her surroundings was blurred. Dew drops gathered on every surface. She tugged her jacket closer and walked to the street. It was quite cold, actually.

She tripped. “Ahhh!” She thought she felt something slimy squirm beneath her feet. She raised her leg and tried to shake it off. She saw at the bottom of her shoe petals of yellow. “Ohh, silly me! It was just Aunt Shirla’s flowers!”she exclaimed, bursting into laughter.”For a second, I thought it was some icky slug or earthworm! What an imbecile I am!” Then she suddenly clapped her hand to her mouth. “Oh no! I ruined Aunty’s flowers! How mad she would be? What am I to do?” She saw the same evil smile on her shoe, the one she saw on her alarm clock.

Disgusted, she kicked off her shoes and ran barefoot to the bus stop, thinking this day couldn’t get worse. The bus…Where’s the bus???!!! She needed to board the bus now, get away from that evil smile… Unable to wait anymore, she ran in the direction of her downtown office, the bus route.

Beep! The bus! Thank god! She turned around, expecting to see the friendly bus waving at her. The only thing she saw was mist. “Wha-” She ran towards the source of the sound and banged into the bus. Its evil smile was the last thing she saw before her world turned black.

Phone Calls

A normal corporate office. 40 years old BOB is sitting, legs on his desk. Looks bored. The phone on the desk rings. 

BOB: (sighs) Seriously? Dang it.

He reluctantly picks up the phone.

BOB: (looking very annoyed, yet has a sing-song voice) Hellohellohello, who is there?

BOB listens to CALLER. Looks even more annoyed.

BOB: (tries to be as polite as possible) Sorry, we ain’t the plumbers. (Murmurs under breath) Idiot.

CALLER replies. BOB’s face turns red. 

BOB: (embarrassed) Sorry, sorry, so sorry, sir. A real mistake, it was, wasn’t me, not at all, must have been the cleaner, he came by just now-

CALLER is having none of it. He spits out vulgarities. He demands to see the boss.

BOB: (trying to keep the situation under control) No, no, sir, you really don’t have to do that. like really, really don’t have to call the boss. Just one mistake, sir. Please, sir, I beg you-

BOSS, a towering fifty-year-old woman, walks by. BOB fails to see her.

BOB: Oh, sorry, sir, truly sorry. You see, very unlucky, the boss isn’t here right now- must have gone out- for lunch, you know. (Firmly) Yes, lunch, yeah-

BOSS overhears. She knows what’s going on.

BOSS: BOB WHITCHECK!

BOB jumps up, startled. Sees BOSS. Face turns white. 

BOB: (Pretends nothing out of the ordinary has happened) Oh, Ms Jay, didn’t see you there. You see, having an important call with a client, must continue-

BOSS: (Knows that he is lying) See me in my office, now. (Reaches out her hand) Your phone, Whitcheck. Your phone.

BOB glances at the phone. Knows that the jig is up.

BOB: (Ashen-faced, hands phone to BOSS) Sorry, Ms Jay, truly sorry, I… I-

BOSS: Apologies later, Whitcheck. Wait for your punishment. (Gestures to her office door)

Knowing all hope is lost, BOB limps over to the office.

BOSS: (Sighs) Swearing. (Brings the phone to her ear) So sorry, sir, I assure you we will teach him a very good lesson, so sorry-

BOB: (From office door) Curse phone calls.